Welcome To The First Church Of Cannabis

Posted By on October 7, 2019


FOR THE PAST WEEK, WE’VE BEEN TALKING A LOT ABOUT THE POPE. ME A LOT TONIGHT. AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW JUST BECAUSE I’M A CATHOLIC DOES NOT MEAN I DON’T RESPECT THE RELIGIOUS SCREWS OF ALL 18- TO 34-YEAR-OLDS WITH DISPOSABLE INCOME. THIS IS “STEPHEN COLBERT GETS ALL UP IN YOUR FAITH.” ♪ ♪ ♪ TONIGHT, I GET ALL UP IN SPIRITUALITY AND DRUGS. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) NOW, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WHEN IT COMES TO PANTOMIME. ( APPLAUSE ) BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU, I AM ON THE FENCE WHEN IT COMES TO… ( COUGHS ) THAT’S WHY I WAS CURIOUS ABOUT A NEW CHURCH IN INDIANAPOLIS CALLED THE FIRST CHURCH OF CANNABIS. NAMED, OF COURSE, AFTER THE LONG-FORGOTTEN 13th APOSTLE, ST. CANNABIS, WHO FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH AND MISSED THE LAST SUPPER.( APPLAUSE )THAT’S TOO BAD. TOO BAD— HE WOKE UP PRETTY SNACKY. THE CHURCH OF CANNIBIS BELIEVES THAT THE DANK SINATRA IS A HOLY SACRAMENT AND ENCOURAGES ITS MEMBERS TO TOKE UP, IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, SON, AND THE– HOLY CRAP! I THINK THERE’S A COP OUTSIDE! FLUSH IT! FLUSH IT! ( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS FOUNDED BY SELF-APPOINTED MINISTER OF LOVE AND KEITH RICHARDS COS-PLAYER, BILL LEVIN. WHO SAYS HE FORMED THE CHURCH NOT JUST TO PUFF HERB BUT TO “TEST THE STATE’S NEW RELIGIOUS FREEDOM RESTORATION ACT, WHICH OFFERS PROTECTIONS AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT INFRINGING ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES.” MAKING IT THE FIRST TEST BILL HAS EVER BEEN INVOLVED IN THAT DIDN’T REQUIRE A URINE SAMPLE. ( LAUGHTER ) JUST LISTEN TO BROTHER BILL TESTIFY ABOUT HIS SPLEEF-BELIEFS.>>WE BELIEVE WE HAVE THE FREEDOM TO EXPRESS OURSELVES IN A NATURAL WAY BY CELEBRATING LIFE, GOOD HEALTH, COMPASSION AND HAPPINESS WITH THE CANNABIS PLANT, A PLANT WE ARE INSTINCTUALLY DRAWN TO AS HUMAN BEINGS BECAUSE OF OUR ENDOCANEBINOL SYSTEM WITHIN OUR OWN BODIES.>>Stephen: YES, HUMANS HAVE BEEN INSTINCTUALLY DRAWN TO POT EVER SINCE CAVEMAN TIMES. THAT’S WHY, THEY GREW THEIR HAIR OUT, DIDN’T SHOWER, AND THOSE CAVE PAINTINGS LOOKED SO GOOD UNDER BLACK LIGHT. AND RECENTLY THE CONGREGATION GATHERED FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT THEIR BUZZ WAS BUZZED.>>THE INAUGURAL SERVICE OF FIRST CHURCH OF CANNABIS KICKING OFF IN INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA. PEOPLE SPOKE OUT ABOUT HOW MARIJUANA HELPED THEIR LIVES AT YESTERDAY’S SERVICE. THERE WASN’T AN OUNCE OF THE GREEN STUFF IN SIGHT.>>stephen: YES, THERE IS NO POT SMOKING AT THEIR RELIGIOUS SERVICES. BUT THE BAKE SALE AFTERWARDS IS AMMMAAAAAZING. WELL, THAT’S IT FOR “STEPHEN COLBERT GETS ALL UP IN YOUR FAITH”. JOIN ME NEXT TIME WHEN I UNPACK AGNOSTICISM: THE SELTZER WATER OF RELIGIOUS BELIEFS.

Posted by Lewis Heart

This article has 100 comments

  1. Alright, I think it's pretty obvious at this point that the Late Show is just an extension of the Colbert Report. This, my friends, is fucking great.

    Reply
  2. it was funny they started that to fuck with mike boy and his using the church to hate Lol….I live in indiana……..pray to the church of THC for me…..

    Reply
  3. It is a holy plant, dude, its healing proporties are many, and heals also a lot of mental deseases , But if you would prefer a psychiatrist , Go ahead , but read the description of the medicine he gives you. In fact Marijuana is a medicine that you can take , when your not sick, and it would not make you sick , But the psychiatrist will prescribe you a medicine, that give you the desease, that he figured out before even knowing you,,and because of the medicine , het is actually right , the medicin gives you the symptoms, the psychiatrist is always right, so he doesn"t have to investigate you , he is always right, Knowaddaamsayin"? actually it was very democraticly selected for your desease, by having psychiatrist vote on it, or simply invent a desease for a medicine that is already there, but the desease has yet to be discovered. when they try it on you for the first time , they are going to discover a new desease, by the symptoms the medicine is causing, which is never seen before, but the medicine already existed, and he will precribe it , in order you will never , ever be cured for the rest of your life. so feel free, if you think That psychiatry is really professional science, But know what to choose, it't be a point of no return

    Reply
  4. But I know it's not because it's feature as recreational drugs that bothers the law, But the fact that alcohol is used as a weapon, against the people ,by the government, not as a drug , although they would call it a drug to mislead you, Marijuana, works infact the other way around, it cures the mental desease called "government", they see it for that reason as a weapon against them. Which is completely wrong , they also should join the party, and then we could talk about cosmic sentience

    Reply
  5. Many people are in need of Cannabis for medical purposes. The health benefits of Medical Marijuana should be talked about more. This just talks down about it, but gotta admit that it at least gets people talking about it. That's good, and creates awareness! Still why not help legalize marijuana instead of helping to criminalize it? To help those in need, I beg you to use your position to do just that. Help promote the health benefits of marijuana. Make jokes about the dr.s who are putting their patients at risk.

    Reply
  6. I hope they legalize weed so stoners can shut up about it
    I don't care if people smoke weed, I do it like….once bi-monthly(not my thing, but feel free to have at it)
    Smoking weed itself is fine, you know, whatever
    But the degenerate stoners who base their lives around it are ruining it.

    Same argument for gay marriage.
    What you do, is your thing and no one has the right to take that away from you.
    But parading around and being in everyones face about it is no way to advocate it.
    Keep your shit on the DL, and no one will get pissed

    Reply
  7. Sombody Tell this comic reading off the teleprompter that he mispronounced the word Splif. What a JOKE this guy is.. this was Not funny comedy IMO.

    Reply
  8. Could have taken a different road than that of making a joke out of a fringe goup that makes a lot more sense out of life than Colbert's (and anyone else's) pseudo catholicism. Can't you just get your own brain? There have been "cannibus-related" church movements for 30+ years. It's not as funny as Christianity, really, or as ripe for joke-making. Personally, I don't smoke pot.

    Reply
  9. jesus guys stop! marijuana should not be legal! Think about that nice guy you get your pot from. You two aren't best buds but every time you buy he smokes you up a freebie. you guys are chill as fuck. If marijuana becomes legal he'll be out of a job. moreover pot will become run by big corporations that will start genetically altering it for higher yield. And think about the goddam taxes well have to pay. its fine as it is now, its easy to buy weed and cops don't really harass you over it.

    Reply
  10. 12 + 1 Reasons Why I think all drugs should be leglized and regulated.
    April 15, 2015 at 11:23am
    Reasons why I believe all drugs should be legalized:
    1) Freedom of choice, every person should be able to choose what they put into their bodies. This is public policy issue.

    2) Hazards with even the most dangerous of drugs typically has more to do with purity, dosaging, and tool maintenance which can be better controlled in regulated markets. This is pharmaceutical issue.

    3) Non-commercial markets encourage a lack of oversight and regulation which funds gun violence, burglaries, gang activity, and violent crime. This is an economics and criminality issue.

    4) Illegality creates and encourages a public perception about drug users that never before existed. They lose jobs and are publicly ostracized for something for what is a natural human behavior. They are often cherry picked vices looked at unfairly and not given chances. This is an interpersonal psychology issue.

    5) The study of these drugs and their affects will change. Our understanding of psychology will change as we gain new technologies to better see their affects. Illegality creates barriers to research. This is science and research issue.

    6) They can make you feel good. This is an underrated interpersonal psychology issue.

    7) Young people should be educated about how to control and moderate the joy happiness they feel in their lives instead they are taught to just say no, which in some cases can be a downright impossibility. This is similar to the sex education arguments which say to educate and teach birth control over abstinence only. It may be necessary to explain to people the processes of dangers and even more importantly the positive aspects of drugs and emotional consistency they can some times offer over common emotional states. Developing better value practices is a part of growing up and substance users face unrelenting charges of skewed values and information that cigarette smokers, alcohol drinkers, and even other much more expensive risky pastimes can be associated with. This is an education issue.

    8) There is historical culture of substance use which is traced back to most ancient civilization that will be extinct unless properly preserved. This is a historical issue.

    9) Drug illegality is the primary leverage against minorities and nonwhite communities, also, more general speaking communities of poverty and lower middle class. These sub-groups are unfairly targeted and ostracized for the habits of a larger socioeconomic class. This is a community, racial issue

    10) Recovery and Treatment options for substance users and abusers are currently, for the most part reserved for individuals with the resources and support structure that is not available to many poor and underprivileged neighborhoods and people. Research has shown that these 'harm reduction" based approaches are cheaper on a state and easier/better for a populace than more putative approaches like jail. Drug user should have opportunity for employment and standard of living same as anyone else. This is a treatment and community concern issue.

    11) At the moment prescription based opiates (oxycontin) and cocanites (novacaine) are grown in other poorer countries then shipped across the world for refinement and sale. A ground war in Afghanistan feeds the users of the United States while farms in India and Tanzania are the growing grounds for major world retail pharmaceuticals. These counties have low export costs and can be pressured into high militarization by the strong United States forces. This is a global militarization and security issue

    12) The United States currently houses the largest prison population on the planet by an absurd margin. Most jailed individuals are for drug use or possession, and a majority in the low amount possession. Over half of individuals believe there should be a better approach to criminal justice and that at least marijuana legalization is a viable option in the United States. This is anti-open society, and anti-representative government stance. It is a crime-punishment philosophy issue.

    13) While we have already discussed the blanket discrimination that systematically happens against all drug user, it is important to highlight the typically unfair discrimination which happens among the different types of drugs. Marijuana is the ideal and primary example where it remains illegal despite being safer than alcohol a heavily commercialized commodity.

    Reply
  11. I do like the segment. But let me point out something: Agnostic is not a Religion. Agnostic is those who acknowledge that there isn't definitive proof either way of religious "facts" nor God(s), and really don't care about it either. There are those that also say there's something called Ignostic, extending the definition of agnostic to say that those who are agnostic can be convinced to believe where as ignostic is the same except you cannot convince them to believe in any of it.

    Also Marijuana is very, very beneficial, and I have no problem with use of it medically or to relax if you tend to be too tense or stressed, however when someone is a pothead, then that's taking the use too far. ;^)

    Reply
  12. Found March 2015. How coincidental. Also plugged on Fox and CNN and given tax-except status immediately. Bill Levin looks like a high ranking Satanist. He may even have known Jimmy Savile. They look like brothers.

    Reply
  13. Forget Psychoactive hemp! Let the World's Farmers all grow Industrial Hemp! It's good for ending the petrochemical industry's reigns on all manner of products and will allow for a more green world free of petrochemical toxification.

    Reply
  14. Colbert, you sir are so wrong about the Cannabis plant, Cannabis is not a drug, and we do have a Endocannabinoids system how dare you talk drugs and motioned Cannabis in the same sentence when it has never KILLED ANYONE. Its non toxic Cannabis that's saved my life and so many other Veterans, get a grip, dnt care if your a comedian, this is not a joking matter, over 22 Vets commit suicide daily, every 90 seconds,  and most are using DRUGS like Alcohol, Pills, not Cannabis, so be a part of the solution, not the problem thank you.SSGT Mark DiPasquale USMC Medically Retired and Co-Founder ofVeterans Cannabis Collective

    Reply
  15. No one named Saint Cannabis would dare miss anything called the "Last Supper" no way in hell he's waiting till tomorrow for food.

    Reply
  16. The neo-american church did this in the 60s or seventies. The court voted against them because, unlike native Americans and Peyotee, it was not part of their ancestral religiouse practice. But now, some families are in their third or fouth gen with this stuff, so hm—.

    Reply
  17. "but there wasn't an ounce of the green stuff"

    should probably use a smaller measurement than that when talking about how little weed there was

    Reply
  18. "how marijuana helped their lives" seriously? wasting money and smoking weed helped change your lives? you couldn't just.. Idk.. do a trillion other things that are more effective without leaving you like a giggling hungry idiot with no money?

    Reply
  19. Legalize cannabis, and inspect deeply the food supply. Human meat in being blended with other meat in supermarkets and fast foods chains all across the country. It looks and tastes the same. Wake up!

    Reply
  20. time goes by so slow as i watch them grow…
    but when i look at life,time goes by before i know…
    so i just wait….and watch them grow.

    Reply
  21. to be fair. our bodies do have natural cannabinoid receptors hardwired in. we are kind of made to take in cannabis. it's weird. kinda funny my how our bodies reject alcohol yet its the legal medium.

    Reply
  22. If smoking marijuana becomes a religion, then I can't be fired from my job if I test positive for pot, for that would violate my freedom of religion. Only when this comes to pass will I truly find God…

    Reply
  23. Genesis 1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so. 12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good. 13 And the evening and the morning were the third day.

    Genesis 1: 29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

    Ezekiel 34:And I will raise up for them a plant of renown, and they shall be no more consumed with hunger in the land, neither bear the shame of the heathen any more.

    Matthew 15:10 Jesus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen and understand. 11 What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.”

    Reply
  24. hes not lying even deer and other animals will eat pot and we do have endocannabinoid systems in every cell of our bodies. where else can we get the oils? even hemps illegal in the US even though it alone could re grow the wetlands (hemp is one of the highest soil retaining plants known to man), put a dent in world hunger (hempseeds have more protein than any meats and can be grown almost anywhere), building materials so beaches don't haft to be harvested to build buildings and more.

    Reply
  25. Love it and I mean the church and the cannabinoid system . Take call me in the morning lol it's not a perfect system but it's the best we got

    Reply
  26. I think the Church of cannabis needs an adversary therefore I am pretending to be anti Zionist in a way but I have to b** at the Jews a lot until they stop being afraid of the climate change deniers it is a personal Vendetta against televangelism on my part since they told me I was going to hell the Jews didn't

    Reply
  27. I SAY THIS OUT OF LOVE ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
    REPENT AND TURN TO GOD. THE ONLY GOD. MY GOD WHO MADE THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH AND EVERYTHING IN IT.
    FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE SENT HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON JESUS SO THAT WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM SHALL NOT PERISH BUT HAVE EVERLASTING LIFE. JESUS DIED FOR OUR SINS AND WAS BURIED BUT GOD RAISED HIM BACK TO LIFE ON THE THIRD DAY AND HE IS SITTING AT THE RIGHT HAND OF GOD. BELIEVE IN HIS SON JESUS CHRIST AND BE SAVED. PLEASE SAVE YOURSELVES FROM THIS CORRUPT AND DARK GENERATION. GOD IS FAITHFUL TO FORGIVE YOU FOR ALL YOUR SINS. IN JESUS NAME AMEN. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *