Hasan vs. Desi Fuckboys | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

Posted By on December 7, 2019


“Would you rather eat chocolate
pudding that tastes like actual shit… or actual shit that tastes
like chocolate pudding?” This is from Mike Chue. Is Mike here? What? Dude, what? Who have you
asked this question to? You’ve asked friends? Are these your friends? This is your girlfriend? Did he ever ask you that question? What?! What did you say? Wait, wait, wait, wait, finish– the way you started that
sentence so normally– you’re like, “I said the chocolate
pudding that tastes like shit.” You said it like it’s, like,
the train you take to work. “I take the L,
sometimes it’s down…” The chocolate pudding
that tastes like shit, why? That’s actually incredibly astute. I think that is the right answer. Yeah, you’re right cause I was like, “If I ate yummy shit, I’m still eating shit.” That’s actually– Did you do the long division
on that, like, that fast? You already had it in your head? Did she for real do it that fast? Stop, are you serious? Is that your test? You were like, “And that’s
when I knew I loved her?” Have you put a ring
on it because of that? Are you serious? Dude, if she takes
that question seriously and still wants to be with you… commit. If I did that with my wife, and I’ve known her forever, she’d be like, “I’m out.” “As a parent, what do you
feel like would be scarier: your daughter dating
a brown fuckboy or her dating a white fuckboy?” Damn… heavy. That’s heavy. This is from Subha. You really thought about this. You wanna– you wanna
know– I already… I know what the answer is. You gotta know– I would
take brown fuckboy because I can tackle what I know. You know what I mean? Like, I know the DNA. You know what I mean? Like it’s almost like, like Mr. Miyagi with The Karate Kid where it’s like, “I’ve been– I’ve been there before like…” Yeah I’ve seen the– I was once one. I was like, “I’ve seen the moves.” Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. What would I do? I’d be like,
“Let me see your phone.” I’d check the phone real quick. And he’d be like, “Ahhh, I don’t–” I’d be like, “Give me the passcode.” I’d do the face recognition. He wouldn’t give me the
passcode. I would just do this. And I’d do the thing and then
I’d start looking through and I would just start seeing… alright who are we texting?
What are we working with here? Um, I’d look at his favorites. What, Insta or Finsta? I’d open the account. I’d switch–
I’d do the fake one too. Click on the little triangle
thing, check the DMs. Super scrub. Then go to his Safari browser,
check what he’s searching. If it’s just clean, “Oh, www.Google.com, that’s
all you’ve searched for?” I’m like, “This dude’s a fuckin’ freak.” Yeah. Then I would turn location on. He would text me, just,
“Hey, just so we can be in touch…” And then you know how you
have location on your texts? I would just–I’d just sit back at
home and watch it all unfold. And just have him geotagged. That would be my plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, I would probably just like, stay within 200 to 300 yards
of where they’re going. “What is the dumbest way
you’ve ever been injured?” –Aleena What’s the dumbest
way you’ve been injured? You got pecked by a chicken? You don’t have to– you don’t
have to establish the country. Getting pecked by
a chicken is crazy. Probably the dumbest injury for me… I mean this is like an old thing,
like I reached over to try to– my daughter like dropped a toy off the bed and– we were playing
on the bed– and I reached over… and like my shoulder popped out. Just grabbing a toy! And I was like, “This is bad.” Are there people who
work for Facebook? There’s gotta be people
who work for Facebook here. You guys all pointed! Where? Where where? You know what’s so crazy? The thing that I empathize
with you guys the most is that like, if he ever
walks into the office… you just have to
act like it’s normal. With the– just the weird– Do you know what I mean? He’s like, “Can I get some coffee?” And you’re just like, “Sure, Mark.” And it’s just like, a fucking… It’s so weird. Did anyone else feel
how fucked up it was? I feel like it’s a power move. I don’t know if it bothered you guys. It bothered me deeply watching
it during the whole testimony. Does it– did it bother you at all? You were in a book club with him? How was it? Uh huh. There were smarter people than him? Are you Indian? Are you–are you Indian? Pakistani, you’re South Asian. Yeah, you’re flexing all the
stuff that doesn’t matter. They’re like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. You started Facebook,
you’re worth $70 billion. Uh, did you take OChem?” Like, what are you talking about? He’s like, “Yo, get your ass to the Caribbean,
the fuck you talking about?” “I’m Mark Zuckerberg.” Uh, “As a Desi
growing up in America, what was the lunch item that
you wanted to take to school while growing up that your
parents wouldn’t buy?” This is from Asees. Is Asees here? What was the item for you? Can I tell– I’ll tell you mine. Cause this– People get mad at me
they’re like, “You always just deflect.” Uh, Dunkaroos. Which don’t exist anymore! Now I got some money I
can’t even get Dunkaroos. And then I was like,
on a Dunkaroo hunt and then Chrissy Teigen tried to find
Dunkaroos– this was on Twitter– but they don’t sell
Dunkaroos anymore. They sell like, Dunk… Dunkables or something like that but they’re not– it’s not with
chocolate or white frosting. It’s this like, weird
knockoff bizarre thing. And then there’s people that you
can buy them from on eBay that have been
hoarding them for years. But I’m not– I’m not
willing to die to… Alright– you guys
remember the cheese cracker? The like– the rectangle crackers
with the orange cheese… That’s definitely not cheese. And then it has like the little– The red shovel! Yeah. Handi-Snacks! I’ve never seen a snap for Handi–
you’re like, “Handi-Snacks.” Handi-Snacks. Those two. I get those two I’d be– I wouldn’t even do this
show, I’d be very happy. What were yours? Lunchables?! What were those like? My
parents never let me get them. The package looked great. But I hear they’re just disgusting. But I hear they’re just disgusting. I’ve asked people, they’re
like, “It was gross.” Lunchables. Were Lunchables good? Yeah? I’m sorry, I like, I immediately
went to a white person, I’m like… “Are Lunchables good?” I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
I feel bad, I feel bad, I feel bad. Tell me. “Did your parents let
you date in high school?” But were they good? I could– I thought it was so cool
when like people would stack, they’d be like– Were they good? I remember one time I had a bite
of them, I’m like, “These are cold.” “Loved your recent
interview with Desi kids. Abeer Khan was super cool. What did you learn from these kids? Do you think their experience
growing up as an ABCD is any different from yours?” Um, I learned what “The Whoa” is. That was cool. The… Um, yeah Abeer was awesome. We actually met–
I met him months ago. We did this sketch called “Indians
As Bad As We Wanna Be.” In like, the first episode of the show. Thanks to John Kapoor, I know that I can be a doctor who
fucks around in the drug game. A kid named Raj ain’t
nothin’ to fuck with. And we were shooting it and Jim Margolis, who was
our showrunner at the time, like came up to me and was like,
“Dude, this kid keeps dancing.” And I was like, watching this like,
skinny little kid like floss. Like, and he just wouldn’t sit still and then he would like, do
his lines but then he’d dab. A kid named Raj ain’t
nothin to fuck with. Okay, so what do I say? *chirps* Hey baws. *yells* Reee! *chirps* *burps* So he got cut from the sketch. And I felt bad, I was like,
“This kid is like, amazing. And I need to find a way to
like, use him in something. He’s so incredible.” And so, he came and he was like the
youngest kid in that entire group but he had so much
confidence, I love that guy. “What is the most
scared you’ve ever been?” Oh, this is weird. Okay, so this– this is
actually a true story. So, I remember in like 2009 or
2010, I was performing at a… at a college in Colorado. And apparently in Colorado
there’s a lot of ghost hunters. There’s a lot of like, haunted hotels and like haunted places
that you can go to and stay at if you’re into like,
chasing apparitions. And so I was staying at this place
called the Black Monarch Hotel. And it was, it was like a saloon
slash hotel, and it was just weird. So I got there during
the day and I’m like, “It’s really old and run down.” I felt like I was in a movie. They’re just like, “Welcome
to the Black Monarch,” and I’m like, “Stop talking that way.” “Do you want anyone
to walk you upstairs and give you the tour of the,
of the ancient hotel?” And I’m like, “I just
want to take a nap.” Go up to my room and I took a nap. It was weird. It was just,
like, kinda old and dingy. And then I did the show
and I came back at night and then I got really spooked and I started like looking around
and I’m like, “This isn’t just dingy, I think this is like
for real for real haunted.” So I go back to the
front desk and they’re like, “Are you, are you gonna stay
up for the midnight show?” And I’m like, “What’s
the midnight show?” And in the saloon, you’re supposed
to go in there after midnight and you’re supposed to see a ghost,
a ghost might perform on the piano. And this is like, a big like, thing. And I’m like, “Nah, I’m not
coming for the midnight show.” I go upstairs, and um, I like, I put my backpack down and I just
look at this chair in front of my bed. And there’s just a porcelain
doll staring at me– like an old porcelain doll. I start freaking out. I’m like,
“I gotta get the fuck outta here.” And then on the desk of the bed– So I start packing my bags up and
on the desk there’s just a guest book. It goes back like a hundred years. People are just writing
in the diary– I’m like, “I gotta get– this is
like creeping me out.” I run across town, the only other
hotel there was like a Hampton Inn. So I go to the Hampton Inn and I’m
like, “I need to get a room tonight.” And they’re like, “Oh, you went
to the Black Monarch Hotel?” And I’m like, “Yeah!” They’re like, “It’s haunted.” So, I don’t know, I don’t–
I don’t think I believe in ghosts, but I don’t not believe in them. Like I’m not gonna try it. You ever have those things like, growing up, your
friends would be like, “Hey, come in the bathroom,
say Bloody Mary three times.” I’m like, “I’m not gonna do that.” And they’re like, “It’s
not even your religion.” I’m like, “I just don’t want to…
I don’t want to test it.” You know what I mean? They’re like, “We’re just gonna
say Candyman and just try.” And I’m like, “I’m not
gonna try Lunchables and I’m not gonna try saying
Bloody Mary three times.”

Posted by Lewis Heart

This article has 100 comments

  1. Let's be plain here:
    Zuckerberg had great timing and luck. Nothing more, nothing less.
    He's not a genius. He's barely considered able to interact with human beings.
    And he's shown himself to be completely amoral with regards to the responsibilities that huge companies should have

    Reply
  2. Amazing how much your channel has grown! Meanwhile – we're over here trying to build our own following. <3 <3

    Reply
  3. Modi is the worst PM disaster PM Gujrati person on this planet period. I want a episode on that. U have no idea how he is collapsing INDIA inside out.

    Reply
  4. The way he talks is like when a teacher finishes a lesson early and has to fill the extra time by talking about himself and asking weird personal questions to students.

    Reply
  5. Well read vs. 70 bil. Lol dude can buy your damn University and give himself 10 phds.

    "Flexing all the stuff that doesn't matter." Lmao

    Reply
  6. You and your team have stayed consistent and authentic. I don't agree with all your opinions, but really appreciate the content and conversation, and keep coming back!

    Reply
  7. Hasan is literally a genius. He is not a trope or a meme. He's an investment that will pay off properly in the future. Crushi – 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 🖤 +

    Reply
  8. Making personal attacks on people based on appearances is not cool hasan(even if they are evil corporates). You can talk and criticize about their evil actions and intentions making fun of appearances is not good.

    Reply
  9. Hasan Bhai! Make sure you keep up with the apps and new smart phones until your daughter gets older lol! My mom tried to track me at 17 and still can figure it out. I’m 29.

    Reply
  10. For real though, I love Hasan but I wish we could stop with the narrative that dads have the right to interfere/cross boundaries in their daughters lives whenever they please

    Reply
  11. What a great blend of comedy and intelligence! But ghosts… C'mon, we have way more evidence to disprove than to prove that in the scientific community. Lol.

    Reply
  12. Desi fuckboys? Doesn’t exist. Look how the laughs are not genuine. People and women in general HATE Indian men. Indian men don’t slay. That’s a myth. Unless they’re like tall and mixed with blue eyes kek.

    Reply

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