A Jew, a Christian, a Muslim and a Jim – The Jim Jefferies Show

Posted By on November 18, 2019


Jefferies: I flew to Jerusalem,
the birthplace of three of the world’s
most prominent religions. And thanks to Donald Trump, it’s the new home
of the American Embassy. That went over well. Woman: Another day of violent
protests in the Gaza Strip, erupting over the Trump
administration’s decision to move the U.S. Embassy
to Jerusalem. People have been trying
to resolve the conflict in this region for a long time. Carter… [ Buzzer ] …Clinton… [ Buzzer ] …and a very good boy
named Jared. I am so proud to be here today in Jerusalem! [ Buzzer ] So, what happened
when a Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian
walked into a bar? An atheist came along to try to
bring peace to the Middle East. You’re welcome! Thank you for joining us.
Now, I’m an atheist. I gave up on religion and
decided there was no God, but I’m open
to suggestions here. -But, uh, cheers?
-You know, I — If it’s okay with you,
I’d like to have a diet Coke. -Me too. I’m kind of…
-All right. So we hit our first snag.
No big deal. To salvage the meeting, I heroically volunteered
to drink all the beer. -L’chaim. L’chaim.
-Cheers. Every good diplomat knows that step one
to solving religious strife is establishing common ground. Circumcised.
Circumcised? -Circumcised?
-Yes. -Circumcised?
-Yes. So we all agree on chopping
the end of dicks off. ‘Cause that’s
really your forte. 8 days old, that’s it,
it comes off. Cheers to that. L’chaim. L’chaim.
L’chaim. L’chaim. So we’re on the same page,
here, mostly. Okay. Me and you, how good is bacon?
You eat bacon? -I love bacon.
-Bacon’s the shit! Never had it. I like it when it’s
with food, in pasta. I thought you weren’t
allowed to have it. Well, you know, a little bit
of wine washes it. Two negatives
make a positive. So you’re a Muslim who
drinks wine and eats bacon. Are you just, like, a guy
we picked up off the street? Well, I got us to agree
on penises and pork. All I have to do now
is solve this embassy thing, and I can call it a day. Trump’s decision to move
the embassy to Jerusalem. For me, it’s
a welcome decision. Why? Because finally, the most
powerful leader of the world has recognized
that Jerusalem in the capital
of the Jewish people. For the Palestinians, we see ourselves
as the heirs of the land. It is our heritage. And, in fact, most of it
is our real estate. It sounds like the Jews are
just causing a lot of trouble. I don’t get it.
These guys have been killing each other
over a patch of dirt, a few below-average
night clubs, and a salty-ass lake. But I have a brilliant idea. Why this land? Like, it’s nice,
but you could have Tasmania. It’s a little island
at the bottom of Australia. No one wants it.
You can have that one. It’s [bleep]
beautiful, mate. Why is this land so precious
to both of you? This is where God created
the world from. I was created
from my mother’s womb. I don’t want to stay
near the [bleep] thing. Do we all agree that there
was one man who made a boat and put two of each animal
on the boat? And why didn’t the lions
eat the other anim– You know, how did you keep
the cold animals refrigerated and the warm
animals warm? It was very cold, rainy,
and winter. -Or it could be made up.
-No. No. What do we think
of Donald Trump? -We’re pro-Trump.
-Yeah, I’m pro-Trump. -He is not a racist.
-Okay. -He’s not a racist?
-He’s not a racist. When people were
carrying TIKI torches claiming “Heil, Hitler,”
he did not condemn them, and he said there was
good people on both sides. -It doesn’t mean he’s racist.
-It does! That’s the definition
of racism. It’s like number one.
Did you denounce Nazis? No? You’re a racist. He has denounced racism. He employs
all kinds of people. That’s true. Trump does employ
a lot of minorities. But the thing
I can’t understand is, when it comes to Trump, evangelicals will turn
the other cheek to anything… Did evangelical
voters care? Well, if they did,
it didn’t affect their votes. I don’t see why they condemn him
when a lot of other men does probably worse than him. …as long as Trump keeps
putting conservative judges on the bench to further their gay-hating, uterus-controlling
family values. The bottom line is, Donald Trump
is good for the Jews of Israel. He grabs women
by the pussy. He’s just paid off
a porn star with some money. He’s obviously
not a man of God. Donald Trump
is not regarded for — to lead as a religious
role model. So, you would say
he’s a good man? Well, uh,
am I a good man? -He’s a good president.
-[ Laughs ] Well, there you have it. If religious
conservatives admit that Trump is a moral suck-hole
and follow him anyway… Let’s pray together.
May we? …I’m pretty sure
that if there is a hell, this atheist will be
carpooling with these guys. Do you believe that your
afterlife is all the same? I’ll take his virgins.
He gets virgins in his religion. You don’t want virgins!
They’re the worst! Experienced women.
That’s what you want. I want dead Amsterdam
hookers up there. -Exactly.
-I don’t believe in God. What happens
when I die? Ah, we’re not going
to the same place. I’m going to hell? You said you are — Well, you
are an atheist. You said it. -Yeah. I’m going to hell?
-Of course. If you believe in Jesus,
you’ll have eternal life. If you don’t…
then there’s judgement. We’re not into hell. So I get to go
to heaven anyway? -That’s what we believe.
-Let’s Jew it up, man. -I’m telling ya.
-L’chaim. L’chaim. I’m telling you, the Jews
are the winners. Although, let’s admit that Hanukkah is shit
next to Christmas. You haven’t got a tree
and decorations and a man on a sleigh with
a whole lot of reindeers? What are you celebrating? A candle didn’t
go out for a while. [Bleep] try to market it
a bit better. Get a fat man
in a sleigh. I don’t even know what
a Hanukkah gift is gonna be. I assume it’s like, day one,
a rubber band. Day two, half a shoe. -I don’t know what type of —
-Ramadan we have. -Oh, Ramadan.
-No food! No food! Oh, who’s up for
a party, everyone? Ramadan’s happening! Hanging out
with these nice guys, it’s hard to imagine all the
suffering caused in the world because their religions
can’t seem to get along. I don’t believe
in any of that shit, but even I know the one
simple solution is found in Matthew 7:12,
where it says… or, as it’s written
in King Jim translation, “Don’t be a [bleep].” I have to be
honest with you. I can’t fix the world,
but we can all agree that Scientology’s
bullshit, right? -Yes.
-That one’s stupid, yeah. Brilliant.

Posted by Lewis Heart

This article has 100 comments

  1. “We have Ramadan”, seriously you might be a scholar but you’re not a salesman, tell him about Eid al Fitr first. Even Australia has their own local festivities.

    Reply
  2. Why does this man have a show on your channel when he admitted live on air during an appearance on the Opie and Anthony show that he drugged and then had sex with a 17 year old girl? This audio can be found by a simple search of: Jim Jefferies 17 year old.

    Reply
  3. so hes a religious jew but forgot to say a prayer before drinking that coke? hmm nice attempt at making jewish people look bad Hollywood…

    Reply
  4. is it a running gag to have the beer set up one way, reverse it and then show it being set up as originally seen?
    Its infuriating but I love it.

    Reply
  5. The death penalty applies for homosexuality in some ten countries: Afghanistan, Iran, Mauritania, Sudan, Nigeria, Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Somalia, and Brunei. The one thing they have in common? Islam. Another thing they have in common? Nice westerners giving islam a free ride. Amazing how islam always seems to get away with atrocities that no other religion or group of people could get away with.

    Reply
  6. Come the fuck on, show me a man who's never said " id like to fuck her" out load or silently I'll show you a liar….. I love how people continue to blame Trump for other people's actions, fucking hypocrites. How fucking hard is it to actually tell the truth @jim

    Reply
  7. Once again, big misconception with Catholicism with regards to entry into heaven even if you don’t believe in God/aren’t a Christian. Look up the anonymous Christian doctrine from Vatican 2. Many Christians and non Christians tote this big misconception that if you don’t believe in God you go to hell but that’s just not the case

    Reply
  8. Who's up for a party everyone? RAMADAN IS COMING!! LOL
    I laughed so hard at this coz we shouldn't have parties in Ramadan…

    Reply
  9. Trump's a good guy… that awkward silence… 😂😂😂
    AND
    KING JIM'S TRANS : Don't be a cu*t
    😂😂😂😂

    Reply
  10. I don't know who this "rabbi" is, but he is dead wrong. Jews do believe in hell (like, a lot more than any other religion – i'm an orthodox jew.)

    Reply
  11. Sorry, I just pissed myself laughing. It takes only a few minutes to nail it. Btw this was the first time I saw a Jew a Catholic and a Muslim walk into a bar followed by an Atheist.

    Reply
  12. So, Scientology is bullshit, because it is a made up Religion? As opposed to all these other Religions that are made up also?

    Reply
  13. Since they were all men…he missed some golden opportunities to bring up gender in terms of religious leadership and also cultural practices…

    Reply
  14. Too many Democrat cunt responses. Trump is no moral leader but never actually grabbed anyone by the pussy. Just rich playboy talk. You all would prefer Hillary, liar, murderer, thief, rape-enabler, traitor?

    Reply
  15. I love this video! Will say it's quite uncommon to find a Muslim that eats bacon and drinks wine. 🥓🍷

    Reply
  16. Im a muslim and eat bacon n drink alcohol drinks are such a big deal for us cus our prayers won't be accepted for 40 days if we do. but there that muslim guy acted like it was nothing. I'm— I'm disgusted.

    Reply
  17. The most ridicilious thing comes from a jewish; ''we're not into hell'' wow. So God doesn't care about your good or bad deeds only your race. No judgement at all? Wohaa. Being born from a jewish family gets you to the heaven without no doubt? If you see yourself apart from anyone else on earth, seemingly you do, you're a racist. Just like white supremacists. Or Hitler himself? Something to think about and open up your mind.

    Oh wait a sec. I remembered, once they beat up a journalist who was trying to sightsee and make conversation with people around their holy places, they beat up the man. Now, I know the motivation.

    I liked the atheist perspective there too in constrast with this fella.

    Reply
  18. Now obviously we have 3 very very very uneducated people here about there own religion the Muslim says he eats pork and drinks wine wa if a atheist or someone with a different faith comes and watches this video and gets false information about all 3 religions

    Reply
  19. Judaism, Christianity and Islam are nearly the same religions but Muslims are attacked the most…Sharia law is basically the same as Biblical law…the stuff people say like more moderate Muslims are ok is just the same more moderate Christians are ok…Jews and Christians who support the Bible should become Muslim they really believe in the Bible

    Reply
  20. hey someone flies to isreal and ask the obvious question why do u celebrate the murder of jesus when because of it your pathetic isreal was crushed by god 30 years later

    Reply
  21. I hope all religious leaders would chill out like this with non beleaver s of all types and just talk about differences..and just resolve all the issues…what a utopian place would that be right..?

    Reply
  22. Quran : the light from the moon is not it's own light but borrowed from the sun

    Written by an uneducated , illiterate Arab merchant in the middle of the desert

    Tell me how how he knew this

    Reply
  23. Christian thinks Muslims are bad, Muslims think jews are bad, jews think Christians are bad
    But deep down we all know
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Shaggy at 1% would beat the shit out of goku and superman
    Aslaam U alaikum to all brothers and sister ❤️

    Reply
  24. If you find yourself in the situation where you can oversee the despicable actions of a horrible person, simply because he serves your cause (be it economical, religious or otherwise), you're a cunt. And if you believe that the Earth was made by god, you're a dumb cunt.
    I cannot for the life of me understand that religion is still a thing…

    Reply
  25. The virgins in islam heavens is sexy alien virgins theyre not someone from earth. They are created for the sole purpose of pleasing us. A whole alien race dedicated to please good boys. Amsterdam dead whores got zilch on them

    Reply
  26. The hypocrisy never ceases to amaze me. I had so many right-wing friends who claimed that Bill Clinton's infidelity was THE most important issue over anything else. Each claiming that war and peace were less important. Now? I only hear crickets. At least some liberals are admitting their hypocrisy on Bill's sexual harassment. Now let's see if the self-righteous right will finally admit they made a mistake with the Orange Menace.

    Reply
  27. I never even heard of this dude until I found out he edits his interviews together like a Frankenstein monster. This guy's is a real piece of crap.

    Reply

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