A Jew, a Christian, a Muslim and a Jim – The Jim Jefferies Show
Jefferies: I flew to Jerusalem,
the birthplace of three of the world’s
most prominent religions. And thanks to Donald Trump, it’s the new home
of the American Embassy. That went over well. Woman: Another day of violent
protests in the Gaza Strip, erupting over the Trump
administration’s decision to move the U.S. Embassy
to Jerusalem. People have been trying
to resolve the conflict in this region for a long time. Carter… [ Buzzer ] …Clinton… [ Buzzer ] …and a very good boy
named Jared. I am so proud to be here today in Jerusalem! [ Buzzer ] So, what happened
when a Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian
walked into a bar? An atheist came along to try to
bring peace to the Middle East. You’re welcome! Thank you for joining us.
Now, I’m an atheist. I gave up on religion and
decided there was no God, but I’m open
to suggestions here. -But, uh, cheers?
-You know, I — If it’s okay with you,
I’d like to have a diet Coke. -Me too. I’m kind of…
-All right. So we hit our first snag.
No big deal. To salvage the meeting, I heroically volunteered
to drink all the beer. -L’chaim. L’chaim.
-Cheers. Every good diplomat knows that step one
to solving religious strife is establishing common ground. Circumcised.
-Yes. So we all agree on chopping
the end of dicks off. ‘Cause that’s
really your forte. 8 days old, that’s it,
it comes off. Cheers to that. L’chaim. L’chaim.
L’chaim. L’chaim. So we’re on the same page,
here, mostly. Okay. Me and you, how good is bacon?
You eat bacon? -I love bacon.
-Bacon’s the shit! Never had it. I like it when it’s
with food, in pasta. I thought you weren’t
allowed to have it. Well, you know, a little bit
of wine washes it. Two negatives
make a positive. So you’re a Muslim who
drinks wine and eats bacon. Are you just, like, a guy
we picked up off the street? Well, I got us to agree
on penises and pork. All I have to do now
is solve this embassy thing, and I can call it a day. Trump’s decision to move
the embassy to Jerusalem. For me, it’s
a welcome decision. Why? Because finally, the most
powerful leader of the world has recognized
that Jerusalem in the capital
of the Jewish people. For the Palestinians, we see ourselves
as the heirs of the land. It is our heritage. And, in fact, most of it
is our real estate. It sounds like the Jews are
just causing a lot of trouble. I don’t get it.
These guys have been killing each other
over a patch of dirt, a few below-average
night clubs, and a salty-ass lake. But I have a brilliant idea. Why this land? Like, it’s nice,
but you could have Tasmania. It’s a little island
at the bottom of Australia. No one wants it.
You can have that one. It’s [bleep]
beautiful, mate. Why is this land so precious
to both of you? This is where God created
the world from. I was created
from my mother’s womb. I don’t want to stay
near the [bleep] thing. Do we all agree that there
was one man who made a boat and put two of each animal
on the boat? And why didn’t the lions
eat the other anim– You know, how did you keep
the cold animals refrigerated and the warm
animals warm? It was very cold, rainy,
and winter. -Or it could be made up.
-No. No. What do we think
of Donald Trump? -We’re pro-Trump.
-Yeah, I’m pro-Trump. -He is not a racist.
-Okay. -He’s not a racist?
-He’s not a racist. When people were
carrying TIKI torches claiming “Heil, Hitler,”
he did not condemn them, and he said there was
good people on both sides. -It doesn’t mean he’s racist.
-It does! That’s the definition
of racism. It’s like number one.
Did you denounce Nazis? No? You’re a racist. He has denounced racism. He employs
all kinds of people. That’s true. Trump does employ
a lot of minorities. But the thing
I can’t understand is, when it comes to Trump, evangelicals will turn
the other cheek to anything… Did evangelical
voters care? Well, if they did,
it didn’t affect their votes. I don’t see why they condemn him
when a lot of other men does probably worse than him. …as long as Trump keeps
putting conservative judges on the bench to further their gay-hating, uterus-controlling
family values. The bottom line is, Donald Trump
is good for the Jews of Israel. He grabs women
by the pussy. He’s just paid off
a porn star with some money. He’s obviously
not a man of God. Donald Trump
is not regarded for — to lead as a religious
role model. So, you would say
he’s a good man? Well, uh,
am I a good man? -He’s a good president.
-[ Laughs ] Well, there you have it. If religious
conservatives admit that Trump is a moral suck-hole
and follow him anyway… Let’s pray together.
May we? …I’m pretty sure
that if there is a hell, this atheist will be
carpooling with these guys. Do you believe that your
afterlife is all the same? I’ll take his virgins.
He gets virgins in his religion. You don’t want virgins!
They’re the worst! Experienced women.
That’s what you want. I want dead Amsterdam
hookers up there. -Exactly.
-I don’t believe in God. What happens
when I die? Ah, we’re not going
to the same place. I’m going to hell? You said you are — Well, you
are an atheist. You said it. -Yeah. I’m going to hell?
-Of course. If you believe in Jesus,
you’ll have eternal life. If you don’t…
then there’s judgement. We’re not into hell. So I get to go
to heaven anyway? -That’s what we believe.
-Let’s Jew it up, man. -I’m telling ya.
-L’chaim. L’chaim. I’m telling you, the Jews
are the winners. Although, let’s admit that Hanukkah is shit
next to Christmas. You haven’t got a tree
and decorations and a man on a sleigh with
a whole lot of reindeers? What are you celebrating? A candle didn’t
go out for a while. [Bleep] try to market it
a bit better. Get a fat man
in a sleigh. I don’t even know what
a Hanukkah gift is gonna be. I assume it’s like, day one,
a rubber band. Day two, half a shoe. -I don’t know what type of —
-Ramadan we have. -Oh, Ramadan.
-No food! No food! Oh, who’s up for
a party, everyone? Ramadan’s happening! Hanging out
with these nice guys, it’s hard to imagine all the
suffering caused in the world because their religions
can’t seem to get along. I don’t believe
in any of that shit, but even I know the one
simple solution is found in Matthew 7:12,
where it says… or, as it’s written
in King Jim translation, “Don’t be a [bleep].” I have to be
honest with you. I can’t fix the world,
but we can all agree that Scientology’s
bullshit, right? -Yes.
-That one’s stupid, yeah. Brilliant.